<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>I am Strong (I am Weak) by artsyleo</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23067034">I am Strong (I am Weak)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo'>artsyleo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>EastEnders (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Ben Mitchell Loves Callum "Halfway" Highway, Canon Compliant, Crying, Deaf Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Fix-it, Episode Related, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 08:08:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,012</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23067034</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He knows it. No matter how much anyone denies it. He's nothing without the army. The army forced him to be strong, to man up (even if it was all an act), forced him to be the man that Jonno always expected of him. And now he's had the chance to go back, and he's thrown it all away just because he's *scared*?<br/>It's weak, and cowardly, and all the things he promised himself he wouldn't be.<br/>-<br/>Or 3 times Callum thought his emotions made him weak, and one time Ben Mitchell reminds him otherwise.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I am Strong (I am Weak)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Warning - partially graphic violence in the third part, in reference to the kidnapping, no worse than what was shown in the ep.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>1.</p><p>The rain pours down, something that's not especially unusual for this part of England. It's that kind of rain that's not really there, but somehow it still soaks you, chills you to the bone, making Callum feel that little bit more helpless. He thinks he's probably going to be soaking wet by the time he trudges home, but he can't quite bring himself to care at this point. He takes another swig from the beer bottle in his hand. It makes him laugh - the one thing he promised himself he would never do, is turn to alcohol on a rough day, just like his father always had. Callum hates that he's comparing himself to his father, but he can't stop his mind from slipping down that wormhole. The bottle accidently hits itself against his leg, and suddenly he's relishing in the pressure that the hit delivered, how it grounds him, brings all the day's emotions under control. So he lifts the bottle up again, bringing it down with a little more force this time on his leg, a purposeful strike, and it feels better than he knows it should. So he does it again, and again, and again, until he feels his leg pulsing with the blunt pain and uncensored tears start to slip from his eyes, trailing down his cheeks like little cracks in his face.<br/>He's weak.<br/>That's something he hates the most about himself. He can't stop *crying* about it all. He's so fucking emotional, and he hates it. Emotions make him weak, he knows that, yet he can't control them, can't control as the tears drip down his face, joining the drips of rain on his jacket. In his frustration, he throws the bottle fiercely against the wall, where it smashes, just a little too loudly, making him jump, which only serves to make him feel worse. Can't even stand a little crash without cowering away like a child.<br/>Pathetic.<br/>He knows it. No matter how much anyone denies it. He's nothing without the army. The army forced him to be strong, to man up (even if it was all an act), forced him to be the man that Jonno always expected of him. And now he's had the chance to go back, and he's thrown it all away just because he's *scared*?<br/>It's weak, and cowardly, and all the things he promised himself he wouldn't be.</p><p>2.</p><p>As soon as he'd stepped out the door, all he wanted to do was go back in and tell Ben that, no, he wasn't okay. He wanted to collapse into his sort-of-maybe-boyfriend's arms and just let it out, tell him just how much everything *hurt*. Tell him all about the army, and what it was like after. The months of sleepless nights, waking up to explosions in his head, having to brush Whitney off when she asked about it because what kind of man cooks in the army, then gets nightmares about it? <br/>But Ben didn't need that right now. He needed to be with his nephew, not dealing with his- with *him*. All that stuff about him being a hero, about him saving Bobby, and now he was out here, crying? He was pathetic, and he knew it. <br/>He came to a stop just beside the bannister, just out of sight of the window to the corridor outside Bobby's room, where Ben definitely wouldn't be able to see him. <br/>Not that he would come looking, either way. <br/>Callum hated his mind for hoping that he did. Bobby needed Ben right now. And either way, Callum couldn't let Ben see this side of him. When Ben did find out about *this side* of Callum, their already tentative relationship would be wrecked, which is why he knew he had to keep his mouth shut. <br/>Anyway, why would someone like *Ben Mitchell* want to be with him? A scared, half-closeted man who couldn't even bear to think about-<br/>And, shit. He was crying again. <br/>He brought his hands harshly down his face, trying desperately to scrub away the emotion there, trying to wipe away any evidence of just how much had been piling on him. He couldn't do this here. He had to get home. Bobby didn't need him here any more, he had his family. He was just- here, hanging about like a bad smell. He had to go home, call Ben later to check in, maybe arrange another date. <br/>That didn't fail to make him smile. God, just the thought of going on a date with Ben-<br/>The sound of footsteps down the stairs reminded him that he was very much not alone here. He had to get home before the water works really came. He pulled himself away from the bannister, shaky legs dragging him up the stairs.</p><p>3.</p><p>Callum thinks it's been two days. He could be wrong; he can't really see any light, and Keanu had broken his phone a little while ago after it didn't stop ringing. He thinks his watch may have stopped as well, which is just fucking typical - it's read 9:27pm for the last, well, god knows, but he thinks it's been a while. <br/>It feels like it could have been a week- everything aches from being crushed up in the same position, and, well, from Keanu, but he's trying not to think about that. <br/>Speaking of- Callum can hear his footsteps again. There's a viable possibility that he could be hallucinating - he's not entirely sure when the last time he slept properly was - but, regardless, his heart starts racing again. <br/>He knows he's not hallucinating when Keanu walks around the corner, a face like thunder. He tries not to let the fear overtake his mind, but once it starts it's difficult to stop. <br/>"Keanu-" <br/>"Shut it!" He shouts. Callum flinches heavily, against his better judgement but its like a reflex- he can't stop it. <br/>"Your fucking boyfriend has a lot of nerve, Halfway." <br/>Callum's blood boils when he heard that nickname. He's always hated it, and now he just has another reason to. <br/>"Don't-" <br/>"I don't think you're in the position to be making demands, Halfway!" Keanu growls, coming up close to Callum. "Think Ben needs some more motivation, ay?" <br/>Callum's blood runs cold. He's to the point where he's willing to beg, plead Keanu just to leave him alone, because he can't sit here any more, he can't take it-<br/>"Ke-Keanu please don't-" <br/>Keanu just shakes his head, raising his phone to point towards Callum.<br/>He closes his eyes- can't bear to let Ben see the fear in his eyes. <br/>He hears Keanu's foot lift before he feels it hit. It drives into his side, and he tries with everything in him not to make a noise, but the cry of pain slips out anyway. His other side hits the floor painfully. Keanu keeps on going at him for what feels like an hour, but is probably only a minute or less. He hears Keanu leave his message for Ben, and then presumably end the video. Despite the fact that his ribs are still burning, he drags himself up- no matter how weak he feels, he refuses to give Keanu the satisfaction. Once he's sat up, he opens his eyes to see Keanu still staring at him. Callum just stares on defiantly. Presumably, for some reason, that pisses Keanu off, because his eyes go dark again and he comes forward, a hard fist colliding with Callum's cheek. Now that the camera isn't on him, he lets out a cry of pain. It's louder than he means it to be, because it mixes with a sob which wrenches from his throat after the pain burns through his face. He burns with shame at crying in front of Keanu, but he just doesn't have the willpower to stop himself any more. <br/>Keanu laughs coldly. "Thought you were a soldier, Halfway? Can't even take a hit without crying like a baby."<br/>Callum can't disagree with him. He's so ashamed of the tears streaming down his cheeks, but he just can't stop. He cries until nothing comes out of his eyes, feeling useless, and falls into a hazy half-sleep.</p><p> +1</p><p>Callum shouts himself awake. <br/>Again. <br/>He thinks he can still hear the screams, the gunshot in his mind, but he keeps telling himself that it's just the aftermath of the dream.<br/>This is the third time this week it's happened. Granted, that's a lot better than it had been. There were times just after the kidnapping where Callum didn't properly sleep for a week, and every time his eyes did unwillingly close, he would wake up sweating and crying. <br/>It made him feel weak, and helpless, and he hated it. <br/>What he hated even more was the look on Ben's face when he found out. <br/>At first he hadn't said anything. As much as he hated the thought, Ben couldn't hear him scream himself awake, so he didn't want to burden Ben. God knew that he had enough to deal with, what with his hearing. <br/>So for a while he says nothing- he doesn't bother to wake Ben up when it happens at night, just holds himself instead. Until he falls asleep on Ben's lap one day, and wakes to Ben shaking him awake. <br/>It was nothing, he'd said into his phone, showing Ben the text. <br/>"It's not nothing, Callum. Talk to me." <br/>And so they had talked about it, about how Callum had never really gotten over the army, about how the kidnapping had left him terrified, about how crying made him feel weak, and childish. Ben had held him while he talked into his phone, showing him the text and closing his eyes while he read it. He tried desperately to ignore the shame that burnt through him while Ben read it. <br/>"Look at me, babe," he had said after. "You ain't got nothing to be ashamed of, right? Nothing. You don't need to be ashamed of bein' scared." <br/>"But-" <br/>"No buts, Callum. Well, only the fun kind." <br/>That conversation came to Callum's mind now. <br/>*You don't need to be ashamed of bein' scared.*<br/>Staring at Ben's sleeping form now, those words ring in his mind- and he's not quite so afraid. <br/>The first time he tries to wake Ben up he just rolls over, snuggling into Callum's leg, and he looks so cute that Callum almost just leaves him be. A crash comes from outside, probably only a bin falling over in the wind or something similar, but he flinches unnecessarily hard. His hand goes to Callum's shoulder again, shaking him gently. Ben's eyes open and he looks around blearily. He looks somewhat annoyed at being roused until he seems Callum sitting up in bed, tears drying on his cheeks. He shoves his glasses onto his face quickly. <br/>"Cal? Baby- what's- is it-?" <br/>*I had another nightmare* he signs, his hands shaking so badly that he worries if Ben even understood. Evidently, he does, by the worry that floods his face as he sits up.<br/>*You want to talk about it?* Ben signs back.<br/>*No*, Callum signs. *Can you just hold me?*<br/>Ben simply smiles, removing his glasses to the bedside table again. His smile is soft, made so by the early hour, and the love that radiates from him, love for his dorky boyfriend. He wraps his arms around Callum's waist, Ben's chest pressed against Callum's back.<br/>Callum feels Ben reach his hand up to Callum's chest, resting his hand over his heart, and taps, once, twice, three times, gently. Callum smiles, a blush climbing up his cheeks, the way it always has, probably always will. It's their way of saying *I love you, for always* - something that's just for them. Callum silently wonders if it's something they'll one day share with Lexi, maybe even their own kids, but for now, it's just theirs, something for their own little bubble, and Callum's content with that. He closes his eyes, feeling Ben's heart beat against his back, and he's okay.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This has been sat in my drafts for a while and I finally managed to finish it yay me. This is kinda loosely based on one of my worst insecurities, and because of Jonno especially (and fuckin toxic masculinity) I thought it would be something that Callum may struggle with too so I hope you liked it. <br/>Anyways, enjoy my dudes (and come tell me what you thought on tumblr @artsy-highway) <br/>Ya dude leo</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>